Good Friday Confession

I am not who I want you to think I am. I am much, much worse.

I don't really love as I am called to love. You see, I give in too easily. I care more about what I want than what others want. I love my needs more than anything else. I believe I am the center of the universe. I especially don't like thinking about or striving to love my enemies... it is much easier and simpler to 'fake' loving my neighbors- you know- the people that are just like me.

And I boast. I brag, especially about the things I should not. You may not see it all the time, but I have a big head. I put myself and my ego first.

I get mad at the smallest thing. And I have a system of how to keep track of who has hurt me the most and the most often. I tend to look back instead of looking ahead which is how I can hold onto grudges.

I secretly enjoy when other people (even people who I love) have to grovel. Their groveling makes me feel better about myself.

I tend to exaggerate even when it borders on a lie it if will make me look better to others and myself.

I am rude and self-seeking. I am not very loving(I Corinthians 13).

I am not the disciple Jesus asks me to be. I have not fed the hungry. I drive by panhandlers and soup kitchens. I don't invest my time, energy, or finances in truly helping the poor.

I have not given a drink to the thirsty. I shy away from giving spiritual insight and wisdom to those who truly thirst for the knowledge, love and acceptance of God- especially those on the fringe of faith, church, etc. I am a poor apostle because I tend to stay inside the 'walls' of church. I do not evangelize as I am called to.

I am uncomfortable welcoming the stranger. I'd rather only welcome people I am familiar with or who are like me.

I have not clothed the naked. Dropping off clothes at Good Will does not count. I do not protect those who are most vulnerable and at high risk like children who've experienced abuse, the elderly or the dying.

I have not cared for the sick. The sick make me sick. I am ill at ease around them. I am too worried that I will get what they have and that scares me.

I have avoided visiting people in prison because it scares me too much and it takes too much time and it's well...to unsafe a thing to do(Matthew 25).

I am a Pharisee and a scribe- who is more interested in keeping the establishment (i.e. this franchise of the United Methodist Church and her rules which govern her) going than anything else.

I am the people in the crowded mob who cheered for Jesus one day with palm branches and then turned fickle, voted no and demanded his execution on Friday.

I am Judas who sold Jesus out because Jesus wasn't doing what I wanted nor what I expected him to do.

I am Peter who betrayed Jesus when he needed a friend to be there.

I am the disciples who scattered at the first sign of trouble, got lost in the crowds, and felt abandoned and betrayed by God.

I am not what you want in a pastor, leader, preacher, friend, wife, mother, daughter, sister confidant, neighbor or follower of Jesus. I am so sorry, but I am much, much worse. I am a sinner. I've done stupid, over and over again. I cannot seem to stop myself from doing stupid things.

I have failed at every loving and self-less thing I have every tried or attempted to do. I have especially failed at ridding myself of my sin, shame and guilt. I cannot do it myself.

I need... I need... I need God to do it for me. I need God to reach out to me. I need God to bridge the gap between the messiness of who I am and God's pure, loving holiness. I need God to take away my sin and give me a new and fresh beginning. I need God to destroy the consequences of my stupidity (so maybe you can forgive me and I can forgive myself) and I can have life abundant here and in the eternal life to come.

If you are anything like me- don't lie about this because it takes a liar to know a liar- we have this in common. We both need God. We are both sinners. We need God to make right what we cannot...

Our sin nails Jesus to the cross.

Our guilt drives the hammer.

Our shame pounds the nails.

We are the reason for His Death. He did what he did because he loves us.

This is why today is called, good.